Nils Heinrich

Nils Heinrich is getting ready for what’s to come. He’s in good spirits. After all, his last name is Heinrich. Awesome!
It doesn’t get any more German than that. He’s in the clear, haha! Dark blond hair, blue-gray eyes. Wait: blue-gray—the “blue” has
an East German accent! On top of that, he’s straight, married, and has several sons! No daughters, just sons, haha! He fathered them with genetic material that was fed Nudossi under a dictatorship. The Nutella for the disillusioned. It was spreadable brown coal, enriched with pureed Soviet tree bark. Once the justice system has been polished, the police apparatus overhauled, and the media synchronized, he simply says—just like in the old days—what those at the top want to hear.
Privately, however, he tells a completely different story. He’s still got it. Since he got married, he’s been able to
refine his mindset even further: he actually thinks something completely different from what he thinks, haha!
He’s only cautious during periods of darkness and stagnation. That’s when things get dark in the Opinion Corridor.
It’s located in the Think Tank right next to the Echo Chamber, where the Time Window is, across from the
Playroom. The Opinion Corridor is lined with carpets of red lines that must not be crossed—but
are. But the really important questions are anyway, “What do you find cringe, what’s nice, what’s going on?”
My nail polish. That’s Gen Z for you. They watch deepfakes on TikTok and run around in T-shirts that say “Nirvana” or “Friends.” It’s like if Heinrich had worn T-shirts in the ’80s with “Comedian Harmonists” or “Heinz Rühmann” on them. But he keeps up with the times: when he comments on something on Insta, it’s encoded in multiple ways—a red heart means love, orange means “everything will be okay.” Cauliflower means “Because of you, I have chlamydia.” A windmill is the worst. A windmill emoji means: there’s trouble in the family. Get out of there fast! But where to? Unlike 80 percent of Americans, Heinrich does have a passport. But he doesn’t travel anymore. At most, to Rügen. Maybe to Mars. It’s not so crowded there.

LONG WEEKENDS IN A TRANSITIONAL JACKET
The new show by Nils Heinrich
Now with 40 percent less anxiety about the future.
With a motion detector. And: Hilarious!

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